Sometimes you just need to scream.
Scream out all the frustration. Scream out all the aggravation. Scream out all the pain. Sometimes you just need to scream until you feel like your lungs are on fire.
Today I screamed while sitting on the toilet.
Yes, on the toilet. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I am not ashamed.
Some days I feel like a pie crust that has been rolled too thin and the slightest movement makes me crack. Today my crack occurred while I took a bathroom break during my daily cleaning.
As I was sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, sighing a breath of relief that I was alone for those two minutes, my German Shepherd, Cleo, walks in. As most mothers do, I don’t close the bathroom door completely so I can hear if one of my kids are about to kill themselves — or each other. Cleo, who just had to be out in the rain today, had been drying off her muddy body in the kitchen. She decided to visit me while I used the facilities because, why not? As she used her long nose to shove open the door, she made her way into the bathroom tracking muddy paw prints behind her — just in case she gets lost she will be able find her way back to the kitchen. In slow motion I watched her giant paws step right on my brand new, just bought 2 hours ago, bath mat. I foolishly bought a new bath mat because my last one has been ruined by my animals. I guess have this thought that if I replace all the things my dogs and cats have ruined they will see that I went through the trouble of buying new ones and they will have understanding and decency not to ruin them. That has to be the only explanation as to why I keep doing it. If it isn’t that means I have to accept that I am truly insane.
Suddenly I hear this ear piercing shrill come from inside my bathroom. This noise was something you’d hear in a horror movie. It sounded like someone was being brutally murdered right next to me. Then I feel my rib cage is closing in on itself and my throat begins to hurt. I realized that the noise was coming from me. I am sitting on the toilet screaming like a banshee, bare assed and all. When I come to this realization that I was actually screaming, I consciously made an effort to scream even louder. Briefly I worried about the neighbors calling the cops, but I didn’t care.
I had to scream.
It wasn’t about the bath mat. Yes, it did upset me. However, I should have expected something like that to happen because that just happens in a house full of cats, dogs, and kids. The bath mat was just a small crack in my shell but nothing a little water couldn’t fix (if you don’t bake: when you have a crack in your uncooked pie crust you put a little water on your fingers and rub it on the crack to fix it.). It was a multitude of normal, everyday stressors that had finally came to a head in my bathroom.
We carry stress with us everyday. Most days we are able to add a little water to it and make an apple pie. However, somedays your crust has just become too thin and it cracks.
Allow yourself to crack sometimes. It’s healthier to scream in your bathroom or to eat ice cream out of the tub and cry until you run out of tears. Bottling up all your stress and anger and pain is a recipe for disaster because eventually that bottle is going to explode.
Find a way to release your everyday stresses. I always recommend finding a hobby to focus on. Discover something that you really enjoy doing and throw all your energy into it. Sometimes we have to find fulfillment in other ways than just being a parent, or at our job, or as a spouse. That doesn’t mean you don’t love all of those things, you just need something special just for you. However, there will be days when a hobby just won’t cut it. You will find yourself unable to handle the rage burning inside you or the pain pouring out of you. That’s life. It happens and that’s okay.